Page one of my fairytale

Inspired by Evan Thomas Cooper and Amanda Rae Mozilo

This is not the story of a princess in a far away castle; there are no dragons, no sleeping beauties. There are no little cleaning men, no birds that whistle back your tune, and certainly no fairy god-mothers granting her deepest wish. No, this fairytale is believable. It is relatable, it is inspiring, it is romantic, and it is my own.

Once upon a time, there was a young woman that took a chance. This woman was not tall and beautiful, her locks were not golden and flowing and her eyes did not sparkle blue like icicles after the first frost. But there was one thing this woman, we will call her Kat, had going for her...she knew what she needed to do.

Kat had grown up in a seemingly perfect family. She never went without and was always pushed to succeed. She was the oldest of three well behaved driven young women and she loved her family dearly. They had moved around a lot growing up and she had always felt protective over her sisters. She would hold back her tears by day and stifle her sobs in her pillow by night so that they would never forget that she could be strong enough for all of them when all felt like giving up. Kat had made her life of living for other people, she strove for perfection in being a daughter, a sister, a student, a lover, and a friend and to her it seemed like she couldn't achieve even one. A 'B' was not good enough, her horseback riding skills were not refined enough, she missed her sisters birthdays for school, and she was apparently never understanding enough about the women her boyfriend would befriend.

For 21 years she lived this life.

Thank you Ben

So Ben, tonight is the night. I wish nothing more than for you to know that you meant and mean so much to me. Without you I would not be alive and without you I would not be pursuing my dreams. While I will not deny the fact that I've longed to look in your eyes and tell you I love you, had you not made the decision to say goodbye I would not have given myself the chance to get to where I am today. I have learned so much from you, about people, life, love, what I need and what I can't stand, the person I want to be and never want to be. Thank you for being a lover, a teacher, an inspiration, and over all others, a friend. You will always have a place in my heart and I will always have love for you. I will always wish you the best and pray that God bless you with the person that makes you happier than you've ever experienced, it is an amazing part of life. Thank you, you are amazing.

Love forever,
Amanda

I'm here...new life...new faces...another chance. But part of me is still with you. You stole me heart and I've tried endlessly to take it back. It's not mine to give any more. I'm stuck waiting for someone else to steal it from you. And till then I'll continue feeling numb. The last joy I know lies in the days before I left...when for a fraction of a second in time, I wondered if maybe you still loved me. The only person I would give anything for, the one I would deal with distance for...to know you'd be there when I returned. I still wonder why those days happened the way they did. You held me, you cradled me, you kissed me, you loved me...or so I hoped. I would put up with moving thousands of times over if it meant I could have that week again with each time. I know it's wrong to want something so fake...it was like walking in a dream, so blissful, so exciting, yet so unreal. I have a new teddy that keeps me company at night...one given to me by the group of people that helped me through you leaving. But every now and then I long to feel something... so I pull out Flemming...or I sit and look through our pictures, listen to our songs. Just to feel, I torture myself. I'll pretend to be ok, but inside I lay dying. You left behind nothing but memories and tears in this physical body. I don't know how to be something you miss because I'm gone for good. I only know how to be something you miss when I'm gone.

"2 am and I'm still awake writing this song,

If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to.

And I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd,

'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"

This is exactly how I feel as I lay awake in my bed. Tonight I had a glass of wine with Cassie...and just as every other night we sit down with a glass, your name came into conversation, and there it stayed as our conversation revolved around you as it has so many times before. What I would say to you, what I wish I could do, what I wish you would do. And I began wondering, why...why you were the topic of my thoughts and conversation on these nights. While you're always in my thoughts, my brain tricks itself by building a wall to keep my emotions regarding you in, away from anyone else's eyes.  I put on a happy face and continue to live my life day to day as if I'm perfectly fine without you. 

Funny thing, alcohol (as you used to joke with me). It weakens that wall, till it comes crashing down and there is nothing holding back those emotions any longer. So I turn to Cassie, we talk and go rounds about what there is left to do. And the same conclusion is met every time...I must say something to you. I need to get these feelings off my chest, I need to know that you know them, I must take a risk. Never have I felt pushed to take a risk that puts my heart and mind at greater risk of pain, and I hope to never feel this push again. But I will never be able to move on, if that's what I must do, without taking this risk. I will always be left wondering "what if". 

You, my dear, are something so special. You are someone so rare, that to lose them with out a fight would be like throwing a treasure chest full of gold into the crashing tide of the ocean. I no longer feel pain when talking to you, but I do notice the smile hearing your voice, or seeing that text brings to my face. I smile at the memories, good and bad, as I know they brought us far. I look to my left at night, and still see that Zebra you gave me when I told you "I would love you forever". I meant that, even if you hadn't given me that Zebra I would love you forever. I love you Ben, I love your perfections and  I love your flaws. I love your groggy morning mumbles and your drunken beer pong banters. I love your eyes, your smile, your lips, your hands. I love your thoughts, your caring, your kindness, your drive. I love your voice (no matter what you think of it) as you serenaded me with Aeroplane Over the Sea. I love you and I don't know how to tell you. Do I show up at your door, take you completely by surprise, and hope for the best? Do I write a heart felt letter and send it in the mail? Do I simply give you a copy of all these entries and hope that you'll read them? I will find a way to let you know. And I will move on, in whatever direction that might lead me.

You have a forever place in my heart that no one can take the place of. I love you Benjamin Charles Nelson, I always have and always will.

Love,

Amanda

I feel like one day I will get the courage to make this blog public and send you the link, or print out every entry and enclose it in an envelope to leave on your doorstep, so that you may one day fully understand the pain I go through without you. That you may understand the level of regret I have for whatever decisions I made that might have taken us down this road. That you might finally comprehend the amount of love I have for you in my heart every day of my life.

Not one day goes by that I don't wish you were here by my side, not one day goes by that I don't miss you. I'm so tired of holding back what I want nothing more than to tell you. I love you and you don't know, don't give a damn, don't want me to. Why has God cursed me with a broken heart still mourning over you?

You don't know what you do to me, and I wish you did. Today I talked to you and I couldn't stop smiling...until I had to say goodbye, and then my smile turned into tears again

And so here I am at 2 am, worrying about you. Realizing that just moment's ago I answered a question I'd been wondering since the day we fell apart...and yes I would still do anything for you. I would drive to San Diego at 2 in the mornings to make sure you got home safely. In 30 seconds I came up with a plan. I would throw some clothes on, slip on my sandals and take off, stop for gas and coffee and hit the road with nothing but a map to come to your rescue. And as the trip back was coming to a close I would hand you my phone with the entry I wrote several days ago pulled up. I would ask you to read as you peered into my heart one more time. You would read everything I want to tell you so badly. And then I would brace myself for whatever response might follow. If you wanted to talk I would open my ears, thoughts, and heart and talk for as long as you wanted. If you had nothing to say...that would be the last time I would bother you...and then maybe...I could finally get closure. I love you, I always have, and I always will...but there is really nothing left for me to fight for, and I need that closure.